MY LIFE IS RUNNED BY MY DAD!!!

Gosh, how I hate my life right now. Every little decision I make has to be run through my dad. I mean like, get a life so you can stop living in mine. There are so many things I wish to say to him but those words just can't make it out of my mouth. I love my dad. Don't get me wrong on that. I just don't know how to face him for another day.

I'm at a stage of my life now where getting a tertiary education means the world to me. I've seen how some of my friends live out their lives. All they really have to do is just get the necessary information about the course that they want to study and find a decent enough school they want to go and poof! they're there. Its not like money isn't an issue for them. It is. Its an issue for everybody, except maybe Bill Gates but at least their parents try and let them live their on life.

Every one of my friends now are living the life they want to now except me. Me? I'm still tied down to my parents. No, let me rephrase that. I'm still tied down to my dad.

My dad. How can I possibly describe him? Let's just say that he tries to runs every body's life except his own. He gets to make the decision because he controls the money. I really really would like to become a journalist. And I have been trying so hard to make him let me study it. But I hate talking to him. I honestly seriously really hate talking to him.

I'm a pretty decent debater and I just love to talk. Especially argumentatively with my friends and peers and so on. Because I can always defend myself and make a complete point of myself. But not to him. You can talk reason to him, throw every possible fact at him and still he will shoot you down. He will make you sound like a complete inadequate and make you apologetic even though you're right. He will make you go his way no matter how adamant you were at first to not. Which is why I hate talking to him.

Everytime I talk to him, I always end up in tears. And I hate that too. It makes me seem weak and stupid which is what I am portraying everytime I do talk to him. After every session of defeat, I always feel like screaming at him. But i just cannot do it. Maybe its out of respect because after all, he is my father. But deep down inside, I know the reason why. And I hate the reason why. Its because of my fear of him.

I have no idea why I fear him so but I just do. Everytime I go out with him, I try not to talk to him that much unless he asks me questions or something along that line. I dare not ask his permission for anything be it going out with my friends or getting the allowance that he sometimes forget from him. When he is around me, I tend to make mistakes that under normal circumstances won't even happen. My mind just go blank whenever he is with me.

There was this one time when he asks me to accompany him to the bank. He waited in the car while I ran down to the bank to deposit a cheque for him. While I was filling out the form, I realised my hands were shaking and it wasn't because I was cold. It was because I was afraid that he would scold me if I took too long. My hands were shaking so bad that i could hardly write.

I cannot tell you the reason why I am so afraid of him because I, myself have not yet discovered the reason. I am truly baffled and I really want to cut myself far far away fom him but he isn't letting go anytime near. So, currently I hate my life and yes, I have had suicidal thought before but even there I am afraid of him. Everytime I thought of how it would be like to just let go of my life, my mind would instantly fly to the thoughts of how mad he would be when he finds out.

These are the few statements which I occasionally would love to scream at him :-

1) GO GET A LIFE OF YOUR OWN SO I CAN LIVE MY OWN!!
2) JUST BECAUSE YOUR OWN LIFE IS SUCH A SCREW-UP DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE THE RIGHTS TO LIVE THROUGH MINE
3) JUST BECAUSE YOUR LIFE IS A MISTAKE DOESN'T MAKE YOU THE BOSS OF MINE
4) JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T GET TO STUDY SOMETHING THAT YOU LIKE IN UNIVERSITY DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE THE RIGHTS TO SNATCH THAT AWAY FROM ME
5) JUST BECAUSE YOU MADE SOME MISTAKES IN YOUR LIFE DOESN'T MEAN I'LL MAKE THE SAME ONES

There are so much more of those statements which i would like to include but those are definitely running through my mine right now due to the most recent conversation with him. Anyway, it would be too long to list all my pent up frustrations that have run through my soul for so long.

I know this blog is long and confusing and running through circles but I just needed to write it out because if I keep all these pent up feelings to myself time and again, sooner or later I would just destructively blow up. And that wouldn't help my life any bit. I just needed somewhere I could find a place to vent and make sure that my dad wouldn't stumble across it. And this was it. Well, thanks for tuning in to my mumbling...

Until next time,ciaoz.............